My Cinnamon Apple(s)

I was recently at dinner discussing the many nuances of relationships in relation to my peers. Well.. she’s 26. I’m 21. Which, I think, on the grand scheme of things are two completely contrasting ages and life stages but when it comes to dating, I assume people in their twenties tend to be on the same page. Right? You’re not dating just to date. You’re not looking to invest your energy in someone who doesn’t view time with you as precious. I feel like at this stage, unless established initially, you’re not looking for someone to be temporary. If you’re looking to take someone seriously, the best advice I can give is come correct. Be real and attentive. Just be different. 

When I observe those in relationships around me it’s just interesting how some of the situations tend to reflect something about that particular person. It could be something incredibly minuscule, or an overwhelmingly obvious quality. Like co-depedence. Or control. Or attention. Or acceptance. Or guidance. Or just even the fact that they much rather be unhappy with someone else instead of content alone.

I guess I always kind of convinced myself I was a relationship type of girl. Preferred the consistency and familiarity. Rather open up to one individual person than to truly entertain the vibes from those less deserving. It was customary, just something that fulfilled the part of me wanting to share my good, bad, and burdens with someone other than myself. In most instances, it was friendships turned relationship, which I think is the best avenue when initially opening up to someone. I feel like that stage is such a gift and a curse. It’s cute more than anything because you revert back to instances of getting butterflies in your stomach, you become bashful and naive. Young and flustered. There’s something cute about that stage though. I’m definitely a professional at embarrassing myself in every second of this stage. I’m good at being awkward, perhaps it’s one of my best talents. Kindergarten crushes. That “you make me giggle and if I wasn’t black I’d blush” type of feelings.

tumblr_lww6f3yxYg1qcp9gro1_500My friends are always making fun of me for being such a hopeless romantic. (cough cough Kaleen, Taylor, Aja, Erica) If we’re being entirely honest, I am a little bit of a sap. A little bit.. Even in 8th grade I cried when listening to the Until The End Of Time (JT and Beyonce remix).. IN school, at that. I’m almost positive I tried justifying my tears with the fact that its, “just a beautiful song.” I’m dying. That was complete bullshit.

It’s situations like that where I literally need to give myself a pep talk like, “Raven, don’t be such a puss.” I think in general I tend to be kind of bitchy and flippant. Aggressive with my attitude on 100, more often than not. In most instances, that has a lot to do with not wanting to come across as vulnerable, or emotional. Whether it’s intentional or not, showing someone I can hold my own ironically means a lot to me. Like, to think that coming across as a complete bitch is much more acceptable than wearing my emotions on my sleeve. It’s “fuck your feelings” before really taking myself into consideration. Fronts are funny. So are perceptions.

I guess that’s just why I keep stressing really know who you are as a person before you entirely open up to someone. Your relationship with you reigns as the biggest priority. All this other shit is irrelevant. 

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