Even with classes and my new job, I’m still trying to find ways to devote my hours upon hours of free time. I’ve been writing a lot which is always super productive, and after all; practice always makes perfect. I joined a gym so that’s always a good idea.. especially for me since I eat like a 300 lb linebacker. When I’m home I have so many distractions, so many shenanigans to partake in especially when all my friends are in the same general vicinity. Idle time for me hasn’t always been the best. Mainly because I’ve never taken my free time and channeled it into strategically filling the time with something productive and positive. Idle time for me isn’t a good thing. I tend to get myself in a pickle more often than not.
Not knowing many people down here has prevented me from really straying and becoming distracted. My mind is always all over the place, I definitely have a difficult time staying on task. Minor imperfections that can be corrected, always. Just gotta work towards it.
I’m in a weird spot, stuck in between being captive in my comfort zone and wanting to feel something entirely new and exhilarating. I was listening to 50 earlier and the line, “take you to ecstasy without taking ecstasy” stuck with me. Although he meant it in a entirely sexual manner, (ok 50 I ain’t mad at it) I feel like that could be applied to an entirely different part of our perspective lives. Finding stimulation in other ways. Not from drugs or sex. I think that’s really dope.
The thing about me is that I’m stuck in my ways. Very rarely have I had to experience anything outside my comfort zone, and when I have in the past I just reverted back to what was familiar. You’ll never grow that way, which is what I’m always trying to tell myself. Even this morning, I was watching Kanye’s newest interview on Ellen and he said something really profound.
“The definition of crazy is trying to do the same thing and expecting different results.”
I thought about it for a minute, let it sink in, and realized that how frightfully accurate the statement was. You cannot continue to do the same shit and expect different results! Say I hated it down here and wanted to come home, typical Raven would be out in the blink of an eye. I would pull the classic, “I’m not gonna do anything or be anywhere I don’t want to be.” How cowardly is that? To run away and quit when things feel uneasy, or different. Change is good, more often than not.
Honestly, I’m stuck between wanting to be a trap queen doing hood rat shit with my friends and being a grown woman with a sense of self, established, and secure. Secure in my future, but more importantly secure with myself. I’ll figure it out.